I'm not the mother I thought I would be.

I'm not the mother I thought I would be.

There were a few things that I knew how I wanted them to be when I first found out I was pregnant.
I would breastfeed until I went back to school in April.
Hudson would sleep in his room in his crib from day one.
The baby will not go to nursery with me while at church.
Other than these few things I felt like I was pretty relaxed..

I never expected breast feeding to not work out for us. I thought that it would be easy, and I would love it. I mean it's the natural way to feed so it should be easy, right? I thought that I would breastfeed until I went back to school in April when I would no longer be able to. I never thought that I would have trouble with supply and latching. I never thought that I would have so many issues with clogged ducts and would end up with multiple high fevers from them. I never thought that I would exclusively pump for the first 2 months until my milk dried up. I never thought that my child would be formula fed before I went back to school.

I never expected Hudson to sleep in our room, let alone in our bed. I thought that he would sleep in his crib. I thought that he would sleep in his room, and I would get up and feed him in his room so that Taylor could continue to sleep without really being interrupted. I never thought that he wouldn't wake up to eat when he was first born. I never thought that he would get sick when he was 8 days old and up end up sleeping in our bed so that we could keep a closer eye on him. I never thought that someone who was totally against co-sleeping would let their child sleep in their bed for 2 months. I never thought that I would let him sleep in his swing four a few hours in the early morning when he wouldn't go back to sleep easily.

I never expected to be so comfortable having Hudson in the nursery at church with me. I thought that I would be super worried to have him in their being that he is a winter baby. I thought that Taylor would always take him during the last two hours of church so that he wouldn't be around all of the germy little kids. I never thought that I would be so worry free having him in the nursery with me. I never thought that I would let one of the little girls put his pacifier back in his mouth. I never thought that I would let the children touch him and show their immediate adoration for him.

A lot of things that I never thought would happen have definitely happened. I have learned to adapt to these situations among many others. I have not stuck in my original ways because that has not been what is best for my baby. I've learned how to be the mother that my child and my family needs in these short 3 and a half months, and I realize that I will continue to learn how to be the mother that my family and child needs. Do I want our next child to sleep in its room from the beginning? You betcha. Do I want my next child to be breastfed? Probably. But I know that I will be more ready and willing to adapt to things that don't go as planned because of the choices that I am making now.

I'm not the mother that I thought I would be, but in my opinion, I'm better than the mother that I ever dreamed of being.

Thank you Hudson for making me realize that I do have maternal instincts. Thank you for teaching me that I do know what is best for you. Thank you for helping me learn how to adapt to situations when they don't go as planned. Thank you for loving me even when I have no idea what I am doing with you. Thank you for being such a happy baby. Thank you for being my son. Thank you, sweet boy, for making me a mother. More than that, thank you for making me the best mother that I can be.